Thank You

I wanted to send out a public "THANK YOU" for all of the wonderful thoughts, good wishes and prayers over this past week. It has been a long week ending a long 6 months (at least) of ill health for my grandmother. Even though I have not said it recently please know that I truely am grateful for all of the support and kind words. It makes such a difference. I have not been very communicative with everyone so here is the short version.
My grandmother has been sick which started last November with coughing. Turns out she has lung cancer on top of a heart condition and severe malnutrition/dehydration. My mom called 911 a week ago today and she was admitted into the hospital. She is refusing medical treatment and flood/fluids. We moved her into a hospice care facility Wed evening and she is now on Morphine for pain and basically made comfortable at this point.
So here I am playing the waiting game. That sounds so awful as true as it may be. I feel sad, heartbroken, angry, relieved, guilty...the list could go on.
Sad for losing my grandmother. This is the first immediate family member that I grew up with to lose to death. I know it's a natural part of life and I know it is better for her in the long run but it doesn't make it any easier.
Heartbroken for my son. Will he remember his Nana? Will he know how truely wonderful she was? Even thru her stubbornness and controlling ways. No longer will I hear "Nana let me do it." This one little phrase that I used to love when telling my mom as a child but now that I am a mother took on a whole new affect for me.
Angry for her being so stubborn and refusing to get treatment or help. Makes me wonder if she knew the whole time. I look back on this past year and even if we were to find out about the cancer last November, she would have refused treatment and we would have lived in fear of the cancer for this entire time. Like a big black cloud hanging over her head. If that were the case she might not have had as many high moments as she did. Maybe the not knowing and sudden decline really was the best for her.
Relieved to some extent that her pain will be short lived and she will soon enough be pain free and in peace.
Finally I feel guilty for all of the above. I know this is all natural but again not so easy. I only hope I am helping my mother as much as possible. I have made peace with her passing and now have to be here for Marcus. He has done quite well. I do believe it is getting hard for him to continue to see her like this. Her cognitive awareness is quickly fading. She is not making alot of sense and very hard to understand. She is seeing and talking to non-existent things / people. It might be hard but better for him to say his goodbye and keep the good memories he has of her. I don't want his last to be the worst.
We still have some tough times ahead but I feel better expressing it somewhat.
Thanks for listening.