Harvest Fun and Halloween 2009

We had a great harvest season and Halloween this year.

Marcus got to visit a couple pumpkin patches including Moores Farm in Tyler, TX. His 1st trip thru a corn maze -- which he loved!! He was great at it too. Marcus actually got his face painted this year for only the 2nd time in his life.
Marcus went trunk or treating at FUMC again this year and had a blast for a mini trick-or-treating. Familiar faces and lots of candy!

Marcus, my mom and brother put up the outside decorations and Marcus was so proud. He came running inside to tell me to come look at the scary stuff!

We carved pumpkins this year for the first time. I had a basic jack-o-lantern carving lesson and did a little (like only cutting out the top of the pumpkin) lol. Marcus had no interest once he saw the inside and what he would have to pull out. He liked the final products but that was it!

Trick or treating was lots of fun and there soooo much candy! About 30mins into it..he was tired of walking...so I said no candy if no walking...lol He kept going for another hour. We finally got back to Granny's house for his last attempt at "Trick-or-Treat!"

Once back home Marcus got the chance to pass out some candy to "customers" and I think he had more fun with that.

All in all it was a great time of fun and lots good memories.

Thank You

I wanted to send out a public "THANK YOU" for all of the wonderful thoughts, good wishes and prayers over this past week. It has been a long week ending a long 6 months (at least) of ill health for my grandmother. Even though I have not said it recently please know that I truely am grateful for all of the support and kind words. It makes such a difference. I have not been very communicative with everyone so here is the short version.
My grandmother has been sick which started last November with coughing. Turns out she has lung cancer on top of a heart condition and severe malnutrition/dehydration. My mom called 911 a week ago today and she was admitted into the hospital. She is refusing medical treatment and flood/fluids. We moved her into a hospice care facility Wed evening and she is now on Morphine for pain and basically made comfortable at this point.
So here I am playing the waiting game. That sounds so awful as true as it may be. I feel sad, heartbroken, angry, relieved, guilty...the list could go on.
Sad for losing my grandmother. This is the first immediate family member that I grew up with to lose to death. I know it's a natural part of life and I know it is better for her in the long run but it doesn't make it any easier.
Heartbroken for my son. Will he remember his Nana? Will he know how truely wonderful she was? Even thru her stubbornness and controlling ways. No longer will I hear "Nana let me do it." This one little phrase that I used to love when telling my mom as a child but now that I am a mother took on a whole new affect for me.
Angry for her being so stubborn and refusing to get treatment or help. Makes me wonder if she knew the whole time. I look back on this past year and even if we were to find out about the cancer last November, she would have refused treatment and we would have lived in fear of the cancer for this entire time. Like a big black cloud hanging over her head. If that were the case she might not have had as many high moments as she did. Maybe the not knowing and sudden decline really was the best for her.
Relieved to some extent that her pain will be short lived and she will soon enough be pain free and in peace.
Finally I feel guilty for all of the above. I know this is all natural but again not so easy. I only hope I am helping my mother as much as possible. I have made peace with her passing and now have to be here for Marcus. He has done quite well. I do believe it is getting hard for him to continue to see her like this. Her cognitive awareness is quickly fading. She is not making alot of sense and very hard to understand. She is seeing and talking to non-existent things / people. It might be hard but better for him to say his goodbye and keep the good memories he has of her. I don't want his last to be the worst.
We still have some tough times ahead but I feel better expressing it somewhat.
Thanks for listening.

So Many Emotions

How many emotions can one person go thru in a week???
Let's count shall we?
Anger, sadness, lonliness, hurt, confusion, longing for more, happiness, excitement, joy, worry, scared, terrified, more sadness, more worry, conflict, resolution, self worth, confidence, more excitement, content, and finally peace.

I'm sure I have left some out but you get the idea. No one ever told me that being a grown up would this hard sometimes. I do think things happen for a reason (to some extent). We are given branches from the tree of life and it is up to us to tug that branch or break it off and keep going. I did lots of tugging this week.

I had to do some hard personal searching and listening. Forgivess and acceptance. Not easy to come by. I do believe I have done what I believe is right and just as I suspected...starting with leaving the past behind me was the most difficult. Already looking to the future and the light is bright!!!

Lots of sadness, worry and anger towards my grandmother. Why must she be so stubborn and just want to give up? Yes she is 73 but that doesn't mean she has to give up and want to leave her life. She has so much to look forward too...mainly watching Marcus grow up. It really hit me this morning after talking to her. She sounds awful but unfortunately she has brought it on herself. I am sad for her wanting to give up and die, mad at her for doing this and being selfish, and hurt knowing I would miss her if the worst were to happen. Good news so far with no immediate life threatening issues...just her stubborness and possible psychological issues and control on her part. It's difficult to think she is causing this hurt and stress on purpose. We will see what comes of the mental eval and then deal with that as necessary. I am very grateful to know that she is most likely not dying at this moment but am still concerned for her well being.

So now I find myself looking towards my future - very scary but exciting!!! I know in my heart I have my memories to take with me and my love to pass on.

Great Saturday!!

Marcus and I had a great day out and about after a crazy up and down week. Woke up this morning for Marcus' dance class. I actually sneaked in a few pics on my phone (love that phone) then he picked Jack-n-Box for lunch. He even took his JIB toy car to show them.
We then headed out to Rockwall to hit the pumpkin patch and hay maze. Marcus looked and looked for the right pumpkin and finally settled on a little one...just his size cuz he could pick it up (his words). He really loved the hay maze..no surprise there and only went thru it about 20 times. I was able to get some good harvest pictures and Marcus actually had his face painted - pictures of choice were a pumpkin and skull. This was the first time he has done face painting since he was 2. We then proceeded to run by Micheals and Lane Bryant for me!!! I got some great deals and great new clothes. New clothes are even better in smaller sizes. Marcus sat there as I tried on clothes and told me I was pretty!!!! What else does a mommy need?
Last stop was Walmart...my despise on the weekends but I had no choice. We needed some groceries something bad. Got a birthday gift, few Christmas gifts and finally groceries and TP!!!!!!!! Finally made it home around 6pm and put away everything, cleanded out the fridge and pantry. I made dinner and then Marcus made mini-brownies for dessert. Then he proceeded to paint his small pumpkin...his own creation and design! He enjoyed it so that is all that matters. He finally passed out and here I sit watching The Proposal and my online addictions...I don't need help, I don't need help, I don't need help....LOL

East Texas Vacation

This past weekend was Marcus' vacation in East Texas. We took a long weekend mini-vaca and headed out to Tyler, Palestine and surrounding areas. This was Marcus' fun with a little throw in for my mom and I.

Friday was full of animals....big cats mostly. Marcus loves his tigers and lions...they are sooo cute...how could you not? First stop was the Tiger Creek Refuge Camp. Lions and Tigers and Tigers on my!!!! Up close and personal...so much closer than any zoo type setting I have seen so far. Standing a good 3 feet from the Kind of the Jungle is quite amazing. My mom adopted a 1 year old white bengal tiger in his name. He will get regular updates and has to send periodic money to the refuge camp to help take care of his tiger. He was estatic and is very proud of his tiger cub. Next stop was the Caldwell Zoo. This zoo is the best by far for the most natural settings within a zoo. The African overlook scene was AMAZING. It looks out as if all the animals were on one plain roaming wild together. We walked up and had to look 3 or 4 times seeing the lions lazing nearby the zebras...don't the zookeepers know that lions eat zebras?? lol

Friday night my mom and I visited the Tyler Drive-In theater. It was great fun and definitely not an everyday experience. Marcus was in awwww of the big screen outside. He slept some and hung out in the backseat with his portable dvd player. Nothing beats the movie from the comfort of your car, cheap snacks including homemade rice krispie treats, or your own volume control and steaming up the car windows...yes with my mother...LOL

Saturday was a short drive to Palestine. Driving over Lake Palestine was gorgeous. This another summer spot for my list! So much to do on the lake and beautiful surroundings. We finally boarded the East Texas Railroad for a roundtrip to Maydelle on the steam engine. My first true train ride...and it was great. Walking the cars takes practice!!!! I looked as of I had been downing Tequila the morning before...lol Marcus loved it and was even witness to a train robbery! (No worries...all money stolen was donated to charity) We got to Maydelle and got to watch the train engine spin on the Maydelle Turntable....full 180 degrees. Definitely a cool thing to see. We finished up with a sleepy ride back to our home depot...the gentle rocking of the train was easily putting us to sleep. Marcus was zonked when we got back to the depot. We found a hole in the wall diner for lunch then headed back to Tyler. We stopped by the Tyler Rose Garden for some roses. Marcus enjoys walking around the flowers. They have some great picturesque scenes there and some awesomely colored roses. No wonder they are the Rose Capital of TX!!!
Saturday night concluded with a trip to Dairy Queen for ice cream for dinner...only on vacation!!!

Sunday was spent at Moore Farms visiting the animals, pumpkin patch, hay ride, and corn maze. Marcus was GREAT at the corn maze. He was a natural at following his instinct to get out of the maze, not once but twice. He was on a roll and would have gone back in by himself if I allowed him to do so. From there we visited the pumpkin patch to pick a pumpkin. He had to carefully look and inspect to find the right one! Thank goodness it wasn't the monster size pumpkin! lol Lots of picture ops for the harvest fun. Marcus' favorite part was the corn box....literally a box full of corn kernels..similar to a sand box. Marcus laid down and tried to bury himself in corn!!!! Now if he would only eat it!!!! We made it home with a bed tied to my hood...yes a BED!!!!

It was great vacation and mini-rest. Lots of quality time with my mom. Marcus had a blast but as usual was ready to come home! He's such a homebody!!!! Pics will be posted soon.

Big Boy Bed

Marcus finally has a new bed....and he loves it! I have been looking but just couldn't find something I liked and was willing to spend the money for yet. My mom and I found a gently used loft bed with a metal frame and only half as tall as most others. It's only 3 steps up and no steps needed to get down....he JUMPS!! There is plenty of room underneath for his superhero fort....and he has been under there all day playing.

This "perfect" bed was no small feat. Thanks to my mom and brother for helping out last night and today. After 2 trips to Walmart and 2 different Home Depots...we finally got storage and all the right hardware for the new bed. Marcus and I then spent another couple hours arranging his room and playing in the fort.

I'm not worried about him having to get up in the middle of the night nearly as if he were up at the ceiling. There are side rails and he has lots of pillows and stuff animals around the edges. We still have to get a twin mattress and new bedding.

He was very excited to sleep in his big boy bed tonight! Here is showing off with his moves and a couple pics he took himself and finally ready for bed!!

Thank You

Just a public "Thank You" for all the great birthday wishes today. You know who you are and this goes out to you. My day has been perfect. Marcus woke me up singing Happy Birthday...not once but twice. Then off to the gym for a 2 hour workout. Came home to find my mom here waiting on me then off again for errands and a pedicure. I even got a free French pedicure for my birthday..can't be freebies!!!

Marcus waited all day for my cake. We didn't plan on having a cake since we were leaving out of town in the morning. He was so disappointed when we told him we weren't having a big cake. My mom took a candle and arranged for the On The Border staff to bring out a dessert with the candle lit. Marcus' face just lit up as bright as the candle when they came out to sing. Afterwards we sang Happy Birthday, made a wish, and blew out the candle. We had a fantastic dinner and should be heading to bed...early wake up call in the morning.

On a side note, its interesting to see who cares to send out the warm wishes for the special moments in your life. I have had some warm wishes today from blasts from the past...some I would have never expected. Just makes you wonder why/when people choose to think of you or express their feelings and when they don't. Why is it that now I find myself more concerned with those that chose not to...today...on this one day...1 out of 365. Just makes me wonder how important you are to those you consider important in your life. It just makes me sad to know how much I think of certain people and thus get the proof of no return thoughts or consideration.

Refreshed and ready to tackle another year!

I wake up today with a sense of freshness. On this day as I turn 32, I look to my past, at my present and into the future. Another new year and another chance to make yet another great year of my life story. I am beginning to realize that my present life may be holding me in the past instead of allowing me to move into the future. Clean start….that’s the answer. It is truly needed for my future happiness. I have been told several times this past week that I don’t do enough for me or I am too absorbed in thinking of Marcus’ future. What about my own future? Yes they will cross but I have my own dreams and desires. What kind of values can I instill in Marcus if I don’t follow them myself? I am suddenly having these eyes-wide-open awakenings of what I want for my future. No one can make it happen but me. I know now that I can not be truly happy in the long term if I continue the path of the present. I need to move into the future and remove myself from the past. I know this is easier said than done but it must be done. I firmly believe that people and experiences are introduced into your life for specific reasons and times. These people and events are what make us who we are, give us our strengths and point out our weaknesses. It is however, up to us to make the final decisions of what to do with them and how they will change our lives. I am truly thankful for all I have, whom I have come to know, and what I have learned from my previous 32 years in this life. Never taken for granted, never forgotten, and cherished always.

Year of Reflection

And once again, that time of the year is rearing it's ugly head....my birthday that is. Don't get me wrong I love celebrating my birthday - infact mental reminder to start my daily nagging to my mom. Every year, never fails, she expects it and loves it!!! Anyways back to me....I like to look back over the past year to see my growth -- or in some cases my downward spiral.

Looking back over this year I have done some personal inner and outer growth and finally became comfortable with what I want out of life. I have realized life is too short for the drama and games. I want the bigger picture of true life happiness.
I have taken a serious grasp on my health for my future well being - not only for myself but for Marcus. I want him growing up proud of his mother, knowing that I have done everything possible for a long happy healthy life. I am very proud of my accomplishments thus far and have no plans to give up now.
Some may say that my work can easily consume me and I would agree. I rather enjoy my work and take pride in such efforts in my career. I have been contemplating going back to school for a masters degree...still haven't fully decided what I want to be when I grow up. I should probably think about that soon before I have to be a full-time adult...lol

I look back over this year and I have watched Marcus grow up into a little man. I can't believe he is 4 & 1/2 now. He has accomplished so much in just his short life...kind of makes my last year irrevelant. I do know that I have gained patience and a strong sense of pride as a mother both learned from him. Life seems so simple thru the eyes of a child. His hugs to pick me up when I am sad, his kisses for my boo-boos, his laugh for what I thought was not so funny but starts a laughing addiction, his grasp to see and touch everything as he learns his world around him and last but not least his sparkle in his eye and everlasting smile for only me. That is what life is really about, in it's plainest, simplest form. I could ask for no more from my child.

Just like anyone, I hit my downs and times of sadness. My romantic life has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. Don't get me wrong - I like roller coasters but at some point everyone must get off the up and down ride. During my times of loneliness I can't help but think that maybe I'm not meant to share my life with another person. That makes me sad...why would I not be good enough to share my life? Why would someone else not want to share their life with me? I don't have the answers - duh...if I did then I would not have to ask the questions. lol

I have had a couple eye-opening experiences this year. I can only reflect on these and hope to use them to grow even more in the upcoming year. I need to open my lines of communication with a variety of people. I need to continue the path of moderation in all aspects of my life. I need to open my heart to those around me. I need to open my mind to a variety of views in life. I need to open my eyes to my surroundings. I am ready to take the leap of faith in making a better life for myself!!!

I have no regrets from my past year. It has been filled with lots of firsts and great everlasting memories. I am looking forward to my future. Not knowing what's in store for the year ahead - makes it even more exciting. I keep thinking about the new ABC show - "Flash Forward". If you were given the option to see your future 6 months from now for only a 2 minute glimpse - what would you do?? That is a tough one...what if it was a negative aspect in your future? You could take it as a warning and possibly change the course of your direction or what if it was something completely different than you would have ever dreamed of...do you sit and wait or worry about the possible change? I don't think I would like to see my future until the future becomes the present. No regrets on the past. Only dreams and hopes for the future. I am looking forward to a bright year at the ripe old age of 32 (ouch!!!)...lol